Purple Hyperbole

There is a right way to go about doing some things.

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:34:21 GMT

To make a bit more cash, I started selling my plasma. After the initial two �donations,� I then received a certified letter in the mail from BioLife asking me to come to their facilities to discuss my blood test results as they �may affect my future as a plasma donor.� And I needn�t bother calling as they don�t discuss this type of information over the phone.

Needless to say, I thought I was dying.

Ashley? You can come back now.

So we called you in today because your blood results did not come back normal.

Ashley, you tested positive for syphilis.

Oh, my God, my brain!
How the fuck did this happen?
I am going to castrate that asshole!
Shit, is there a cure for this?
What the fuck, am I a pirate?

But, we did the second, more invasive test for syphilis and it came back negative.

So, wait, I don�t have syphilis?

No, it was a false positive. The test isn�t perfect and actually false positives are quite common.

So, actually, despite what you said, I�m fine.

If, in the future, you plan on being a nurse or doctor, consider how you will go about delivering information very carefully because you don�t really know anything about that scare little girl you just fucked with. Just because she doesn�t have syphilis doesn�t mean she won�t go crazy on a bitch.

Officially the outlet for stress.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 04:14:02 GMT

Mom: So, an Maggie go with you tomorrow?

Me: Nuuh. She has work all day, but it�s fine. The radio can keep my company.

Mom: Well you can�t go by yourself.

Me: Mom, I don�t have any other friends!

Me: You'll go with me, right?

Bear: Yes.

I'm not pretending

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 06:54:26 GMT

Drawing other comics.

Text From: The Dude I Lost My Virginity To.

...hi

Time passes...small talk occurs (blah, blah, blah)

Finally I say, "Anyway, it's been 3 months...why text me?"

Then that conversation had to happen. we blame each other--no one's responsible, of course.

And I know I was dumb.

So it ends in "I likes you as a friend, but anything more than that--no, sorry. From: That Dude.

I've never felt so insignificant in my entire life.

But...

Despite how shitty I might feel.

To: A Good Friend: Stuff Sucks...

From: A Good Friend: Don't be sad; I love you.

Someone still cares.

I love you guys.

And I killed it with my bear hands.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 09:05:50 GMT

Molly! Happy birthday!

Thanks, boo!

I can't believe you went to the Great Wall for your bday! How was it?

There was a bear garden.

Excuse me?

At first me thought, "Oh, haha, they meant 'beer' but spelled it wrong. Silly non-English speakers" but then we got there and it really was a garden full of bears!

You went to one of the world's greatest landmarks that's been around since before Christ, something that can be seen from space, and yet...a bear garden?

But I got this sweet hat.

Definitions: Hyphen (Warning: English related joke ahead)

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 15:31:24 GMT

Definitions: Hyphen

Hyphen--gesture of elation or victory in which one sea mammal slaps a raised fin against the raised fin of another sea mammal.

Dude, did you see the way I saved that surfer by jamming my bottlenose into that shark�s side?

I totally did, bro, and it was rad! Hyphen!

Dolphins are so the frat guys of the sea.

Every day is like the World Series

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 18:50:57 GMT

Seeing as one�s sex life is often likened to baseball, I�ve come up with an analogy for the frequency of mine:

I�m like an American League pitcher in a National League ballpark: destined to strike out.

That's just way too much pressure.

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 09:11:47 GMT

Maggie�

You are doing a really bad job of getting me laid.

Um, how is that my job?

Because I�m a terrible judge of character. You, being in a healthy, loving relationship with Tyler here allows you to objectively evaluate both males and what you believe my reaction to them will be without being hindered by hormonal urges or overpowering loneliness.

And I�m horny.

Can�t argue with that.

Some crazy shit goes down in Chinatown, USA.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 04:00:00 GMT

So when something goes down and we have to save Molly what do you want your codename to be?

Umm, something with Kitty in it--wait, why does something have to "go down?"

Are you kidding, Maggi? She's in CHINA! They're communist there, not exactly journalist friendly, and they hate women: Molly is both of those things! China is evil!

Your General Tsos...

How do you offend the ONLY Asian in New Lex?

Oh, she's in America now; she obviously thinks it's evil there too...